February 16, 2004

Drooling and Mad - Comma, Hyphen, Semicolon

Since perhaps the age of 16, I've been telling myself that this country was on the brink of stupidity and insanity. And certainly, some noteworthy events of late have undoubtedly reinforced that sentiment.

There was this Halftime Show for some football game of sorts wherein an entertainer of minimal importance exposed a certain bodypart of another entertainer of slightly higher importance. For some reason, there was a whirlwind of negative publicity centered around the 'naughty bit' in question. Many said that because children were watching, whatever point of flesh that flashed on the screen was grossly inappropriate, and may cause said children to become morally corrupt beings.

So, with painstaking care, I am now going to recreate a scene. Any resemblance to a situation that may have happened in reality is purely intentional, and I am not sorry for it.

Overweight Male Parent: "Yes! No! Murder that motherfucker! Get the ball! Rip his spine out! You pussy!"
Kid with Lego's: "I wanna go outside. It's nice."
OMP: "Listen kid, you won't learn anything about life if you keep going outside and doing stupid shit. Now pay attention to the HypnoBox and watch as men violently crush other men for a flap of glorified pork rinds. It's important. Builds character."
KWL: "It's only interesting because you watch it, daddy. And right now, you're my only role model, so I automatically want to be like you."
*Janet does the nipple dance*
OMP: "Holy Fucking Jesus Shitball Asslick! Did you see that?! That bitch Jackson showed a tit on LIVE Television!"
KWL: "I wanna go kill cops now, dad. That boobie made me a mere shadow of what I could have become."
OMP cries into the sky.

So, as we can plainly see, the effects of this so-called gratuitous display of blatant sexuality, which also quite obviously interrupted a purely wholesome and educational monument of national television programming, may just lead the normal, healthy child to a life of self destruction, murder, and outright 'evilness'.

Just recently, and to my surprise, a group of sun-sensitive Native Americans have declared a state of War on Andre Benjamin on the grounds that he caused their children to become morally corrput by dressing up himself and the stage as some sort of stereotypical glitz and glam version of a more primitive Native American 'scene'.

Before we ask how a once noble and proud race transformed into a bitter, misguided, and disillusioned one, let's review the events that led them down this unfortunate state of decimation.

1. White Person sits on Plymouth Rock, 1620.
2. All the oppression and degeneration caused onto the natives up to present day.
3. All the oppression and degeneration caused until only the last of them stands.

Another thing which has many, many heads turning is the fact that our 43rd President, George W. "Tyrant" Bush Junior and British Prime Minister Tony Blair have been nominated for the Nobel Peace Prize. Of course, they were nominated for "ridding the world of a mad dictator fully capable of endagering the rest of the free world with his hardy supply of Iraqi yellowcake. Despite the fact that only one patty has been found, really. And some shavings." The people of Iraq are grateful, as well. Even though they're still oppressed, at least they can have mobile phones with which to communicate the locations of military targets to their local resistance groups.

Swapping who a dictator is for any given country is not only completely justifiable, but worthy of praise as well, if the natural resource of said country was more valuable than gold. But praise shouldn't end there by any means! If the Vice President gets a big chunk of cash from a certain Halliburton company to organize the extraction and processing of those natural resources, then the guys up there in Norway get to throw down the "Approved" stamp next to the new dictator's name. Sometimes we have to wonder if the lumpy bag of money gets dropped off at their homes before, or after the big win.

After all we may say that it's unjust now, but fifty years from now when they ask the human morality question, the uneducated masses will just reply: "They won the Nobel Peace Prize. How could it have been unjust?"

... To be continued.

"And with that, he was gone."