September 15, 2004

Six Figure Pyramid

There was an article in The Washington Post's Business section on Tuesday the 14th. The Headline read: "Sony-Led Group to Buy MGM in $2.9 Billion Deal". The article goes on to relay how Sony and Friends beat out Time Warner's bid by a mere .2 billion. Sony also agreed to take on MGM's debt, which was about another 1.9 billion.

Okay, so this really isn't anything new, and compared to evil companies such as Disney, $2.9 billion is chump change. Rather, what was much better news in the article is that a billionaire by the name of Kirk Kerkorian would receive $1.7 billion from the trade. Cash.

$1.7 billion, cash.

Not only that, but the guy is 87 years old. Its too bad he can't buy immortality. And what else can he buy anyway? He already had about two or three times as much money in the bank already.

After much thought, it became apparent to us what Mr. Kerkorian needs to do. He needs to make a pyramid. As his tomb. The design would be such that there would actually be two pyramids: one above ground, and one underground. The top half would contain his dead carcass, and the bottom one would contain the rest of his liquid assets. Here's where it gets good. The two pyramids are seperated by a single door designed to withstand everything short of armageddon, and is openable only by a key that is hung around the corpse's neck. The maze to the corpse is riddled with, very surely, deadly traps.

Thus, once the graverobber gets the key, they can then proceed down to the lower half and unlock the door. However, this is where things get most interesting. Because now the traps are designed to destroy the money, and not the intruder. If they get down to the vault where the cash is kept, they'll realize that the money has most inconveniently been reduced to the lowest bill possible (say, $100 bills). Which rationally equates to multiple trips into the vault.

To top off that insult, everytime they wish to get out of the pyramid (say, to drop off bills and get bigger containers, etc) they have to close the door to the lower half pyramid. Whereupon the lower half, much like a Rubik's Cube, rotates in sections so that the paths and the traps are not where they were prior.

Because if I had that much money, that is exactly what I would do. I'd build it near a major metropolitan area, too. Or in Giza, to be really arrogant.